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189109Why was one sitting here at all? Where was one? Who was one?

That It was all very unpleasant, cold clammy vivid &so vivid, so real: & ?close & glaring. & yet unrelated; as if shewhy indeed h did anything happen as it did happen?For she had no attachments or relations it seemed; she was set downhere among sitting among clean cups at a long table alone.& for a moment, with extreme vividness, felt cut off from allcontact with human beings, & able only to frame ask one question after another,seemedThey might all have been strangers to her; she the house, the place,everything seemed strange. The whole She had no attachments, she feltto itwith itno relations. & anything might happen, & whatever did happen —a ?maid ?coming inwhether it was Nancy bursting in, or these voices calling, or Mr.passinglike that — up in the airRamsay reciting poetry on the terrace had seemed so queercut off,had thatquality  it wasa question a somethingextraordinaryAs if at last ?one saw the extraordinary nature of existence,was made plain, & one could some little as if somelink had broken. As if some link had broken & at last onerealised how extraordinary it was —How aimless, howchaotic, how violent, she thought — & really,whatever one mightsay,almost entirely withoutor thought or anythingfeeling or reason.There was Mrs.Ramsay dead,Andrew killed; Prue dead too:Then they all got together & saidhad breakfast, & Mr. Ramsay like this in a house on a bay & beganby [?why]?poured out coffee at eight in the morningButHeaven knows what its all about, &she had to keep saying toisthis is tragicherself what a tragedy, now terrible this is, how ter awful,not to see Mrs. Ramsay sitting there as she used to sit; whenreally what she felt was that was all forced & put onon earth do we do it?She did not feel it; she felt nothing: onlywhy? why? why?

SuddenlyMr.Ramsay looked at her, through the bay window.He was thoroughly out of temper, & so although she had finished hercoffee, she pretended to drink, in order to keep that terrible, thathimsinister that man at bay. All she had heard from him this morning wasscolding  scolding the Nancy, scolding James & Cam.Old Mr. Carmichael had taken his coffee out on to the lawn It was odd to be able to notice everything with extremeaccuracy, &?When everanythinghappenedshe askedwhythislife.