213219reason, things were jerked & flashed in her eyes: [Rather timid, shefound it easy to lose power over] which was worse?But now & then People mightVery well. And then, someone, something, - Mrs. Ramsay, sheorremembered used to have that power - said, in effect, Life standstill here; & the disorder was orderly; & the flash & racecontrolled.]so that if one were asked to in truth, one was conscious,increasingly conscious with the lapse of years, of the enormousconglomeration, & depth & meaning; one was not an adventurerbound harum scarum upon a chaotic dance; but rather wascalled upon to consider endlessly of the meaning of what wasshown one.By somethe&composure at once fell. There was one of those moments. Anddisorderlyelements werereduced theall thingsat oncecame together -like an organiccompound -which has beenit could be held in the fingers, looked up & round; & never lost its?endlessness, or its cle mystery.So thaThrew out likeradium itsstore meaning.mad so that life was after all, she thought,separated; or theAnd this one could hold in ones fingers, look at,lookround; stick in a jar, if need be, & keep there, throwingout lightheat colour.It was not all meaningless then; or raceBy this meansfar from being, as was said by people said,possibly one might in the course of time work ones way to asystem, philosophy, or understanding of life: the firststep being that she at the age of forty four,grasped thehold of the fact that there was an order, a successionofstepping stones, or, did one choose to put it so,of flowers,?tigh perfectly composed, & of moments when Nancy saidwhat does one send to the Lighthouse, of moments whensights & memories of scenes whichhad the power of radium & thepower of life creativeso to accumulate & shed light.