213that with which seemed to her the real one; if it could be saidthat one thing was more [?] real than another thing It waslike that - quite ruthless, quite direct - And For she had asense of their there being something in one, in her at least,the one she was sotired ofmore real, most real, herself; ? or no no: not the self that went aboutbut not everdoing things; & not the self here, now, in this room; yes, &when there was no one to be nice to; no children; no husband; for that ?did ?not,Or was it life?butThen was one was rather awful, she thought,that ruthless direct stroke, that third stroke, which was whatthe real one, & as one did not could not escape. Children neverforget. What we have done, we have done. but the shelf which wasat the beck & call - could one deny it? - of - She did not knownever had a word for it, she was singularly dumb; she thought of itthird strokeas that - there - the long direct ruthless strokeChildren neverenoughShe woke up in thenight & saw it strokingcrossing the floorforget; she knew that perfectly well; & the lighthouse hadnothing to teach her about that: No.for example: she wasallgrowing old; for example: & they would die, & it would be over.Well?And who was going to deny that?She looked over the herknitting, when she said to her husband, how at the back of hermind she did not despair, there was that, just that.Merely, she supposed, every rational person in the course oflife achieves what is after all only common sense: they said(her mother said) We are in the hands of the Lord; Sshe neverhadhad the least inclination to say that. We are in the handsof the Lord - How could any Lord create a world of such sufferingpainsuch horrible injustice? But the Lighthouse wasquitea little different. It wasperfectly ruthless; but it wasdoubtnobody had any illusions about that, but it came; it went;&, flowing& somehow, as one grewolder one learnt felt that very thing in onesbones. itself was in one bones. It had her own expression.She was like it.Her eyes she felt were full of it:that It drew her to it.For when she was quite alone, it was odd, being alone,how surprisingly strong the one finds some those [?thing]thenalmost forgotten & perfectly foolish feelings - ?&is
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